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The Fugitive, Russian Mafia & Lego Guns

In this dream I'm David Kimball from The Fugitive. Totally random, since I haven't seen the movie in years.

Anyway,not only do I have the U.S. Marshall's after me, but the Russian Mafia as well. I went back to my office to look for clues about my wife's murder and I got a drink from the water cooler. You know how most water coolers have red and blue faucets, well I pushed both of them in a weird combination and accidentally opened up a secret safe in the wall. I came to find out that this held all of the Russian Mafia's gold and money.

Immediately the the mafia was after me and this big, I mean huge muscle-bound, guy was on my tail. He had a big red goatee and wore jeans with suspenders and no shirt. Apparently he was a redneck as well.

So I hop on a bullet train and get away from him. While hiding out for a couple of days I make friends with a girl and her boyfriend. Except the girl is Princess Leia and her boyfriend is Han Solo, none other than Harrison Ford. Interesting, since Harrison Ford plays David Kimball in The Fugitive.

The days blur into weeks and we're running from the Marshalls and the Russian Mafia. Then all of the sudden we're in this old house when the shirtless Russian guy breaks through the door with a couple other thugs. Han and the Princess take on the other two while I start fighting the big red haired shirtless man with butter knives.

We're going nuts with the butter knives in each hand like something out of a Jet Li movie. I keep having opportunities to stab him or cut his throat, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Then more mafia guys come charging in and we're really outnumbered. Before they can pull out guns, Han throws me two hand guns. But these aren't just any two hand guns. These guns are made from legos. As soon as everyone sees them they start backing up scared to death.

The big guy I was fighting starts crying and begging for his life.
We start making our way for the door when the big guy attacks me again and I shoot him in the chest. As you can imagine, lego gun means lego bullets. The gun shoots a little four-dimpled square piece and hits him square in the chest. It doesn't really even penetrate and it's sitting barely lodged in his skin. He cries out in pain and then falls to the ground.

And that's where the dream ends.

It looks like I don't have the heart to kill someone by stabbing them with a knife or shooting them with a real gun. But lego guns are no problem.

American Idol: "Feel Good, Inc."

There I was sitting on a barstool on the American Idol stage. The lights were flashing with the cheesy American Idol jingle repeating itself. I looked out into the dimmed crowd of waving fans and posters. They had my name plastered on posters that said I LUV BURGER! "This is weird," I thought, "I don't even like American Idol." Then Ryan Seacrest stepped on stage, shook my hand and said, "Comin' up after this commercial break is John Burger with his rendition of 'Feel Good Inc.' by the Gorillaz."

I looked down at the judges (Simon, Paula and the other guy who always says "dawg"). Next I knew, the lights were shining on me and the music started. I sat completely frozen on a stool singing the "feel good" parts. When the rap part started, I jumped off the stool and started breaking into major hip hop dance. My voice was totally different and matched the rap guy perfectly:

Yo, we go ghost town,
This motown,
With your sound
You win the blink.
Gon'bite the dust
Can't fight with us
With yo sound
You kill the INC.
So don’t stop, get it, get it
Until you're cheddar header.
Watch the way I navigate
Hahahahahahaa!

Then it was back to the stool, sitting frozen.

Windmill, windmill for the land
Turn forever hand in hand
Take it all in on your stride
It is ticking falling down...
Love forever Love is free
Lets turn forever you and me
Windmill, windmill for the land-
Is everybody in?

It was back and forth with voices and dancing/sitting until the end of the voice where I even laughed hysterically like the real singer.

The crowd went nuts and Simon even gave me a standing ovation. And that was the end...

Here's the song - Caution: It's weird.

Time for a Comeback!

It's been a long, long, long time since my last post. Over a year actually :( But the time has come to start posting my crazy dreams again. Mostly this inspiration comes from my wife who recently became an avid blogger herself. She attached a link to my dream blog on her site and people keep asking me, "When are you going to add some new dreams?" Well, I have a few stock piled up over the last year and your request shall be granted.

Keep on dreaming!

21 Jump Street (Part 1)

(As a young looking police officer, I'm assigned to go undercover as a student at a local Jr. High.)

Maybe some of you remember the old show called 21 Jump Street, starring Johnny Depp. It's about a group of 20ish year old police officers who go back to high school as undercover cops to help cleanup the schools. This is how my dream kind of started so I decided it would be a fitting title. And now with the dream...

I'm a 25 year old police officer living at the top of an enormous hill in Concord, California. At the bottom of the hill lies my new undercover assignment, Jefferson Jr. High. I've been assigned to infiltrate the school as a student and try to uncover a huge drug operation plaguing the local schools.

Before leaving for my first day, I grabbed the sack lunch my wife prepared and kissed her and my daughter goodbye. I told my wife about my new assignemnt and she just laughed. "There's no way you're going to pass off as a 14 yr. old," she said. Be that as it may, I had to still try. I walked down the hill and within minutes arrived at the school. It looked more like an old victorian home, with giant white pillars and a pale blue coat of paint. As I walked inside the building I noticed that everything seemed vaguely familiar. It looked exactly like the inside of Hogwarts School of Magic from Harry Potter.

I made my way by a giant moving staircase and noticed a small sandwich shop at the bottom. My stomach started growling and I realized I had forgotten to eat breakfast. I asked for the daily club special and watched as a greasy, potbellied, scruffy-looking man started preparing it in front of me. Everything looked fine until he used and ice cream spooper to add a giant slab of corned beef. I asked the man ,"What the heck is that? I thought I ordered a club sandwhich." "You did," he replied, somewhat annoyed. "Our club sandwiches always come with corned beef. If you want it without corned beef it will cost you an extra dollar." I didn't want to pay an extra buck for a smaller sandwich so decided I pay the man and eat before classes started.

As I tried to find my first class, my Dad (who happens to be a teacher in real life) walked up to me and said," follow me Son. You're in my science class for first period." Knowing this situation could possibly destroy my cover, I covertly slipped away from my dad and walked down a side hallway. The hallway opened up to a giant common area with hundreds of people walking in every direction.

Just ahead, in the middle of all the commotion, I noticed a bearded man sitting on a park bench. He was calmly reading a newspaper and eating an apple. "That's David," I thought to myself. David was a neighbor of mine and an acquaintance at church. I knew he was a school teacher, but it never occured to me that he taught at Jefferson. I walked up and asked, "How's it going David?" "Fine," he replied. "I'm taking an extended vacation so I don't have to teach for a few weeks." "Really," I wondered out loud. "So what are you still doing here?" David stopped for a moment as if lost deep in thought. "I don't know,!" he exclaimed. "Why am I here? I think I'm going to take off. See you later John.""Whew," I thought to myself. That gives me a few weeks to work without having to worry about David blowing my cover as well.

To be continued...

21 Jump Street (Part 2)

(As part of my undercover mission, I decide to join the Jr. High Basketball team.)

Maybe some of you remember the old show called 21 Jump Street, starring Johnny Depp. It's about a group of 20ish year old police officers who go back to high school as undercover cops to help cleanup the schools. This is how my dream kind of started so I decided it would be a fitting title. And now with patr 2 of this dream...


As school progresses, I slowly start to make friends with some of the students and learn a little bit more about the illegal drug flows in the schools. As I'm walking down the hallway I notice a sign on the wall for basketball tryouts. "Hmmm..." I thought. "Maybe I should tryout for the team. I made the team when I went through Jr. High the first time. This should be a peice of cake."

The next thing I know, I'm at a Jr. High basketball sitting on the bench with another kid. The game just barely started and we were down 4-3. For some reason the coach didn't want to play me and this other kid, and he kept ignoring us. We were by far the best players on the team, but he didn't seem to care. Finally I stood up and left. "This is dumb," I thought. "Here we are, a 25 year old undercover cop and a 6 ft. 4in. Jr. High student sitting on the bench."

I realized I needed a change of clothes for after the game so I got in my car and started driving home. So here I am, an undercover cop posing as a 13 yr. old Jr. High student, driving home in my car with a thick 5 o'clock shadow.

I finally reached home, grabbed my cothes and started driving back. Out of nowhere a freak snow storm dumped a couple feet of snow and my car started fish tailing everywhere. The drive back to the school game took forever and I kept thinking, "I've got to hurry or I'm going to miss the rest of the game." But when I entered the gym and looked up at the scoreboard, nothing had changed. The score was still 4-3 and we were in the first quarter. The coach saw me walking back and yelled," Where have you been Burger? We need you in there! I'm down to three guys left on the floor."

I yell back, somewhat annoyed, "What for? You don't have a clue what your're doing. You're best two players have been sitting on the bench the whole time and you wait until 3 of your players get injured to decide to put us in!"

The coach begrudgingly apologized and the 6ft. 4in. kid and myself took the floor. I looked up into the stands and saw my family taking up a couple rows of seats. My wife, daughter, brothers, sisters and parents were all cheering for me. The rest of the game was kind of a blur, but this kid and I proceeded to score 50 points each as we demolished the other team. Everyone cheered for us and streamers flew from the rafters when time ran out and we won the game. I looked back up at my cheering family and the dream ended.

How to Cut a Wookie's Hair

(I'm in a barbershop getting a haircut. When I look up in the mirror I look like Chewbacca mixed with a little teen wolf.)

As I'm walking through a strip mall I pass by an old school barbershop and decide to get my haircut. The lady at the front desk takes me to a chair and says, "you're barber will be with you shortly." After about an hour of waiting I fall asleep in the chair listening to some Big Band Swing tunes of the 40's.

I don't know how long I was asleep, but when I woke up I looked like Chewbacca mixed with a little teen wolf. Everyone had left theBarber shop and I was all by myself. So I took the electric trimmers and went to work. (Which is funny because I usually cut my own hair anyways.) I started at the top and cut my hair like the early Beatles with a part down the middle. Then I went to work on my face and shaved my upper lip and chin, leaving some sweet gigantic chops.

But there was a problem. I still had hair on my face surrounding my eyes. It went from my cheekbones to my forehead and it looked like I was wearing a large hairy mask. I tried cutting it with the electric trimmers but they stopped working. Not knowing what to do I quitely laughed at myself and walked outside. I looked like a superhero with my hairy mask and I decided call myself the Wookie Man. The End.